Citizen Faust

Posted on October 13, 2010

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I have an interesting life.  It continues to be so.  However, communication of that to others really takes time to find the right words to do so.

For instance, I can tell you that I was awoken one night in a Turkmenistan hotel by sub-machine gun fire floors below. And, I had to sneak out of the hotel in the middle of the night.  And make it to the border before the “terrorist action” made them close it. However, I was too late, and the guards weren’t accepting bribes.  Hence, I had to sneak across the border by bribing a Russian cargo plane’s pilot, but if I don’t have the prose or a decent story structure to keep the suspense palpable, it comes across matter-of-fact.  There is no real re-read value added.

In many ways I believe I forfeited my chance at a “normal” life (whatever that is) a long time ago.  So, when someone dear to me was kidnapped, and I was across an ocean, I managed to get her back – without any incident.  It was horrible at the time, and required several quasi-legal actions, which included forcing a xenophobic foreign government to cooperate.  Cleaning up the mess of two, rather incompetent, American spies or, “attaches” as their job title refers to them.  Even as I type these, seemingly outrageous, things, I know in my heart-of-hearts it was just par for the course.  Everyone is home and safe and happy with their loved ones.

This blog entry started out as something along the lines of:  I have a lot of ideas, but I don’t have the concentration to put them down.

But, that’s not it at all.  In typing this out, I want to go in a new direction.  And that direction is this:

Whatever you are in life, the summation of all your physical, mental, and undefined qualities are unique in you and will not be seen anywhere on this planet ever again after you are dead.  Sure, there can be things we all share that are in common but what do they mean – really?  What does “Rosebud” mean?  And, could it surmise an entire individual’s life? No!–Of course not!  Just as it is ridiculous to assume there are X number of psychological variations that define the summation of the human psyche.

It is my experience that there is a correct way and an incorrect way to live your life.  You can try to aim for some sort of ideal, some instruction based upon a set of rules someone interpreted for you, or you can love yourself.  The second is much harder than the first.  For loving yourself, means you love your entire self—in toto.  All the bad parts, the parts you hate, the parts that make others hate you.  Including, the times you look back, and it seems like an “alien” was in control of your body.  All those terrible experiences of misjudgment, and action out of temper and malice will be invaluable to you.  For you will find, these negative or unknown traits will become of use to you again in the future.  If your life is on the “right” track.  If you’re not scared to wrestle with fate, overturn the worlds of gods and men, and fight a deity, or two, in the process you can get exactly what you need out of this life.  I can give you further examples, but I believe that would water down what I am saying to some “gee-whiz” statement of logic.

The only reality I can interpret is my own.  And just as “Rosebud” cannot surmise a man’s life, I don’t think a book or any of the other suggestions I have gotten from those who have shared in this story with me would do me any good. For me, it’s more than simply a story; more than entertainment; more than some scheme to profit off of, more than something to entertain strangers with.  It’s my life.  And I letting those grand adventures succumb to the rules of grammar, an editor, or a step-sheet would be the a travesty. And that is all together – entirely – unappealing.

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Posted in: Life Lessons